CHAPTER
TWO
Nicholas Webb raised
the pale-green china teacup to his parched lips and stoically sipped the hot
black tea which he was in the habit of drinking at about 10.30 every
morning. Leaning back in his
comfortably-padded swivel chair, with ankles crossed on top of his desk, he
appeared to be staring fixedly at his expensive new shoes when, in reality, he
was thinking about the new art exhibition which was due to open at the Merlin
Gallery on Friday afternoon.
Why-on-earth, he wondered, couldn't it have opened a week earlier, so
that he could have sent someone along to review it for the forthcoming edition
of 'Arts Monthly'.
As things stood, all he could hope for was a largely retrospective
review in the October edition, by which time the exhibition would be in its
last week! And, if rumour counted for
anything, it was quite an important exhibition this time too - one whose
controversial paintings were bound to attract considerable publicity. Really, it was a wonder to him that he didn't
revert to editing a weekly magazine sometimes, the number of times circumstances
had obliged him to ignore or forego important events in the world of
contemporary art.
He sipped a little too stoically at his hot tea and burnt his
tongue. "Damn it!" he gasped,
returning the offending cup to its saucer and placing them on a relatively
uncluttered part of his desk. Frowning,
he wiped his mouth with the back of his right hand and then trained an
aggrieved expression on the head of his senior sub-editor, who was bent over
the manuscript of a collection of poems which some young scribbler had had the
audacity to offer for publication. From
where he sat, all Webb could see of his colleague's face was part of a hooked
nose protruding from beneath a thatch of curly-brown hair. Alas, the nose remained - and in the nature
of such things could only remain - impervious to his negative expression. But the spectacle nonetheless gave him the
analogy of some kind of inverted bird's nest with a chick hanging out of it -
an analogy which partly served to dispel his irritation and return him to a
less-aggrieved frame of mind. A titter
of laughter from the 'inverted bird's nest' prompted him to snigger back. "I thought they'd amuse you," he
averred, with ironic detachment.
"Nothing like a fledgling surrealist for arousing one's sense of
humour, is there?"
The 'inverted bird's nest' momentarily became the smiling face
of Martin Osbourne.
"Possibly not," he admitted, before turning back into Webb's
analogical chimera again. And, reading
aloud from the poem in his hand, he quoted three of the lines which he found
particularly amusing.
"Yes, the 'persistent malaise of strawberry clits' makes
the mind boggle rather, doesn't it?" commented Webb, chuckling
gently. He crossed his fingers behind
his head and stared meditatively at the opposite wall. "What about the 'diaphanous horizon on
the legs of bloated peas'?" he asked, quoting from memory. "Can you make any sense of that?"
"Not the slightest!" came
the inevitable reply from Martin Osbourne, after a
short pause. "But, then again, I
don't think one is supposed to make any sense of it." And, returning the manuscript to Nicholas
Webb's desk, the sub-editor inquired of his superior whether he was intending
to publish any of it in the forthcoming edition of their magazine.
"Certainly not!" replied Webb sternly, casting his
colleague an incredulous look. "I
can't afford to lose any more subscriptions.
As soon as you publish one imbecile, there are a million others who
imagine they've just as much entitlement to be published, too. And from there it's simply a matter of time
before you end-up in the workhouse."
"The unemployment exchange these days," corrected Osbourne humorously and with a dash of anachronistic
sentimentality. "Our century is
really quite the reverse of the previous one.
Before the rise of the proletariat, it was a punishment to be made to
work. Now, on the contrary, not having
any work ..."
"Yes, well, whatever the case," Webb rejoined with an
air of impatience, "we can't afford to publish trash like that ..."
he frowned down at the manuscript on the right-hand corner of his desk ...
"and have intelligent, industrious, self-respecting citizens poisoning
their minds with the 'tears of age on rumps of sin', or whatever the damn
nonsense was! They'd think we're running
a kindergarten here."
"We sometimes are," said Osbourne
facetiously. "Only a kindergarten
in which the youngest members are the only real adults," he added, more
for his own benefit than Nicholas Webb's.
There was a short, sharp buzz from the internal telephone. Still frowning, Webb grabbed the receiver and
heard the nervous voice of young Anthony Keating requesting to see him. "Unfortunately I'm in the middle of an
important meeting at present," he lyingly
pretended. "But you can do so in
about half an hour. By the way, how did
that interview with Mr Tonks go yesterday?"
"Er, not too badly,"
replied the strangled voice on the other end of the line. "In fact, that's what I wanted to see
you about actually."
"Indeed?" Nicholas
Webb raised his furrowed brows in feigned surprise. It was a long-standing habit of his to
indulge in amateur theatricals when speaking to junior members of staff, and
this habit persisted even when he was on the telephone and the person to whom he
was speaking had no chance of seeing him act.
But he would be accessible in thirty minutes and, with a curt
"Alright?", he slammed the receiver down and
returned to the 'important meeting'.
"Not too serious, I trust?" Osbourne
ventured to speculate, as an expression of annoyance suddenly suffused his
senior colleague's stern face.
"Probably not," the latter responded, picking up his
by-now lukewarm cup of black tea and drinking what remained of it down in one
thirsty gulp. "With young Keating,
however, one can never take anything for granted. As long as he didn't insult Tonks and get himself thrown out of his bloody house, I
needn't worry too much.... You can't imagine what a devil-of-a-job I had
finding anyone to accept that assignment yesterday! What with Wilder catching a
cold or something at the last moment, probably on purpose."
"Perhaps it was just as well that I happened to be out of
town at the time," remarked Osbourne, who
chuckled dryly. "Otherwise you
might have picked on me instead."
"As it happened, I was almost contemplating a return to
the old days and conducting the bloody interview myself!" Webb exclaimed
in a tone of voice not far short of desperation. "Fortunately for me, however, young
Keating didn't have all that much on his plate, so I kind of threw him in at
the deep-end. Naturally, he wasn't
particularly keen on the idea. He had
his misgivings about interviewing someone whom he knew next-to-nothing about
and whose music, apparently, doesn't appeal to him. But I got round him in the end! After all, his is not to reason why, his is
but to do or die!"
"Not quite," objected the sub-editor
good-humouredly. "His is but to do
or lie. The necessity of death shouldn't
enter into it these days."
"Don't be too sure about that!" countered the editor,
guffawing loudly. "But seriously,
one has to remember that Keating is a relatively inexperienced
interviewer. It takes a lot of practice
to make a Neil Wilder, you know."
Returning the empty cup to its saucer, Nicholas James Webb got
up from his chair and strolled over to the single window his office
possessed. At forty-two he was a tall,
well-built man of resolute character and, apart from the few streaks of grey
which were slowly tarnishing his black hair, relatively youthful appearance. Coming from what would be considered a
well-educated background, he had served under Sir Cecil Thomas as sub-editor of
the 'Literary Review' before going on,
following the retirement of his knowledgeable predecessor, to become its
editor. It was during his five-year
spell of editorship of this prestigious monthly that another periodical, the
'Music World', ran into serious financial difficulties and was managed by a
succession of editors who only succeeded in making matters worse. The last of these was Martin Osbourne, an acquaintance of Webb's from undergraduate
days, who implored the latter, in conjunction with his directors, to offer
capital to save the periodical from liquidation. At first, the leading lights of the 'Literary
Review' would have nothing to do with the idea.
But, before long, the prospect of taking over the 'Music World'
altogether and amalgamating it with their own periodical began to appeal to
them, since it had a more impressive building and, being in the vicinity of
London's West End, was better situated.
So the eventual outcome of the music magazine's financial plight was the
establishment of 'Arts Monthly', for which, once art and sculpture had been
added to its brief, there had been a steady demand, much to the surprise and
delight of everyone concerned.
This synthesizing process had taken place a few years
previously and, since then, Nicholas Webb had retained the responsibilities of
editor with even greater success than before.
And in tandem with Andrew Hunt, a former sub-editor with the 'Literary
Review', Osbourne had proved his worth as a competent
assistant. Indeed, so much so that Webb
had evolved a private joke having its basis in a certain incredulity for the
fact that some fool had previously denied Osbourne his
rightful place in life by appointing him editor instead of keeping him
sub-editor, where he evidently belonged!
At the moment, however, the thirty-nine-year-old assistant in question
was proving his competence in nothing more than sitting still in his chair
whilst he drank the remains of a mild cup of sugared tea and, in-between
whiles, puffed complacently on a slender cigar.
Standing in front of the large window that gave-on to a quite
wide expanse of
And so it was with the consciousness of one who realizes he is
taking part in some esoteric and essentially anti-existential rite that
Nicholas Webb now stared across at a couple of old oak trees standing close
together, and reverently acknowledged the powers of good. How strong they appeared! And how eternal when contrasted with the
stylistic transience of the surrounding architecture which, despite an appearance
of solidity, was destined to perish with the birth of new styles, to grow
progressively more antiquated with the passing of time, until there was no
longer any place for it in a rapidly changing world and it was accordingly
demolished without a trace of regret!
But the oak trees belonged not to time and society but to Nature and
Eternity. They had existed as a species
for thousands of years and, providing man didn't hack them all down in the name
of some hypothetical future progress, some as yet unrealized technological
millennium, they would doubtless continue to exist in the recognizable form of
their species for thousands of years to come.
And what applied to the oaks applied no less, in Webb's deferential
estimation, to the other representatives of almighty Nature which could also be
seen and plunged into from his office window, and which were just as important
a source of psycho-physical strength to their humble devotee.
Yet, if the truth were known, Webb wasn't quite the humble
devotee these days that he had once imagined himself to be. For he was obliged to admit that one could
gather more strength from the larger and more powerful forces of good than from
the smaller and less powerful ones - albeit there was always the possibility,
he pedantically reflected, that a sufficient number of smaller ones plunged
into together might, between them, add-up to something just as psychically
stimulating and invigorating as one or two of the larger ones plunged into
separately, in noble isolation from the rest.
Yes, that was always possible, he thought. But, for the time being, it was enough to
plunge into the couple of large trees he had singled out from their lesser
fellows, and to do so, moreover, with all the determination of a famished
suckling bent on drawing sustenance from its mother's copious breasts. For there were so many yards between himself
and the garden that one just had to pick on the largest representatives of
almighty Nature if one hoped to draw anything substantially elemental from it,
to establish a subtle reciprocity of psychic emanations between their deeper
selves, bearing in mind that such a reciprocity also had the intervening window
to contend with - an obstacle which could only weaken it and thereby reduce its
therapeutic effect. Such, at any rate,
was how the moderate convert to Elementalism had
first reasoned, when he began to adopt the habit of exploiting the public
garden in the interests of his psycho-physical well-being, several months
before. True, he had brought a few of
his own theories to bear on those of John Cowper Powys in the course of
elemental time, and thus created a slight variation or two on the original
pantheistic theme. But, by and large,
the great man's elemental theology was still the cornerstone of his own
theological edifice, and the great man himself still the quasi-druidic high
priest, as it were, of his elemental devotions.
Variations on the original theme, he mused, were virtually inevitable!
A pretty nurse passing along the pavement below suddenly
distracted him from his psychic tête-à-tête with the tallest of the old oaks
and brought him back to the more sentient world of human beings. A vague excitement in the loins accompanied
the explicit excitement in his mind as, with freshly charged vision,
he proudly followed the graceful progress of her dark-stockinged
legs for a number of exciting yards. How
they delighted one! And how, when he
embraced a more comprehensive perspective of her person, she reminded him of
that young nurse he had seduced the previous year! The same dark hair, the same slender build,
the same shapely calf muscles ... and what an extraordinary creature! One woman with her nurse's uniform on, a completely
different one with it off. And a virgin,
to boot! At least she had been when he
accosted her in the square, one summer's evening, and summarily invited her to
have dinner with him. A hapless virgin,
if ever there was one. Quite desperate for male company. But completely transformed once she'd got it,
completely the slave of the master she elected to make him! Yes, indeed!
An attractive young nurse every once in a while wasn't at all a bad
idea, providing one didn't get carried away by it. After all, he wasn't quite the democratic Don
Juan these days that he had aspired to being in his undergraduate days, some
two decades ago. The dark-stockinged legs disappeared from view at the far side of
the window. He couldn't crane his neck
around any farther.
"Was there anything for me this morning?" Osbourne's suave voice was heard to inquire out of the
blue.
"Only a couple of things," came
the reply in a high-pitched female voice.
Startled out of his sexist preoccupations at the window, Webb
swiftly turned round, to encounter the slender fair-haired figure of his
secretary standing in front of his desk with a pile of letters in her
hands. He almost blushed with the luxury
of undergraduate shame.
"You don't appear to have any room for these on your
desk," she remarked, referring to the typed but unsigned letters to which
the editor was obliged to put his signature in due course.
He frowned responsively and, snatching them from her, plumped
them down on top of a London street-atlas.
Then, catching sight of the poetry manuscript again, he smiled faintly
and picked it up. There were, in all,
some sixty large pages of quasi-surrealistic hogwash held together by a couple
of treasury tags - hogwash which he had been expected to wade through. And not only in his capacity as editor but,
more importantly in the view of its perpetrator, as 'Champion of the
arts'! Yes, it was only, apparently, as
something more than an editor, a mere bureaucratic cogwheel, that he could be
expected to do adequate justice to the poet by publishing his contributions in
the name of the almighty 'champion' he was elected to be!
Well, even if by some special ordinance he was such a man, he still
had the right to differentiate between hogwash and poetry and to reject the
former in his hard-pressed endeavour to champion the latter! If he had his own way, if he could really be
the 'champion' such people seemingly required, he
would do better than simply to reject the prosy hogwash. He would tear it up into tiny pieces, throw
the pieces into the largest metal wastepaper bin he could lay hands on, and set
fire to them with the aid of some liquid paraffin. And he would do so, moreover, without the
slightest qualm or moral doubt as to the validity of his actions. He would proceed, in short, with all the
fanatical conviction and unflappable self-righteousness of one who habitually
burns witches at the stake!
Unfortunately for the arts, however, his powers were limited. He could only champion them to the extent of
rejecting the hogwash. Admittedly, that
was better than nothing, since it enabled him to avenge himself on the
philistines and sham artists and/or anti-artists to some extent, though not,
alas, to the extent he would have preferred!
The complete destruction of the hogwash would at least have compensated
him for the inconvenience of having had to wade through it all in the first
place! Better, it would have encouraged
him to do so. For he had now got to the
point where, cognizant of the limitations imposed upon his championship, he
would only partly and, as it were, superficially wade through it. The rest he would leave unread.
Turning to the fifth poem of the manuscript, his smile deepened
somewhat. He quoted a line which had
conspicuously come to his attention earlier and, still smiling, inquired of his
secretary, who probably knew as much about poetry as a horse about philosophy,
whether she could enlighten them to any extent.
"The 'persistent malaise of strawberry
clits'?" Judith Pegg repeated doubtfully,
an emotional upheaval instantaneously transforming her bureaucratically
impassive expression into one of baffled incredulity. And, just as instantaneously, her emotions
changed course and she began to laugh.
"It sounds rather 'risqué' to me," she confessed, as soon as
her amusement would allow her to speak again.
"Risqué?"
queried the editor, casting an ironically conspiratorial glance in Osbourne's deferential direction. "Yes, I suppose one could say that, depending what sort of a mind one has!" He chuckled both
secretary and sub-editor into chuckling along with him for a moment.
"I trust I needn't enlighten you any further," said
Mrs Pegg from a strawberry-coloured face which
momentarily accentuated her bright-blue eyes.
At thirty-four, she was still quite an attractive woman, but one from whom neither man present had been able to profit in other
than purely professional terms in over two years. For, apart from a night spent in the editor's
bed shortly after she joined the firm, and a couple of nights spent in the
sub-editor's bed shortly after the editor had joined with her, she had
resolutely kept her body for her husband and given herself almost exclusively
to him - the only notable interruption of her conjugal fidelity having occurred
whilst a dashing correspondent by name of Glen Walters was working at the
office. But he had resigned and gone
abroad in search of greater temptations over six months ago, leaving her sadly
to her marital probity.
"No, I don't think we'll be requiring any further
enlightenment on that line," murmured a disdainfully smiling Nicholas
Webb. "Though you might be able to
throw some light on the 'tears of age on rumps of sin'?" He focused a mildly inquisitorial gaze on his
blond secretary, which she duly acknowledged with an appropriately ironic
chuckle.
"I don't think I could possibly permit myself to comment
on that!" she protested in a tone of mock reproach. "For it doesn't even begin to make sense to
me. But it has a faintly Baudelairean ring to it, don't you think?"
"More a tinkle than a ring," Osbourne
chimed-in smilingly. "But,
according to our contributor, it's supposed to be closer to André Breton."
"I'm afraid I haven't read him," confessed Mrs Pegg nonchalantly.
"So you'll just have to make do with Baudelaire." She smiled benignly at the sub-editor and,
taking the manuscript held out to her by an almost-imploring Nicholas Webb,
abruptly turned on her high-heeled feet and headed towards the door. The little cross-shaped pencil mark on the
top left-hand corner of its first page indicated quite unequivocally what was
expected of her. The rejection letters
were never, except in rather exceptional cases, dictated on the spot. They were pre-printed in an appropriately
terse, noncommittal, polite format, and distributed accordingly. No unnecessary time-wasting! The execution was quick, clean, simple, and,
above all, impersonal. 'Impersonality',
Webb had often asserted, 'is the best mode of concealing one's identity', and,
besides, it provided him with a further means of avenging himself on the
philistines!
Flicking the burnt-out remains of his cigar into the
swan-shaped ashtray which invariably stood, as though on-guard, to the front of
Webb's mahogany desk, Martin Osbourne mumbled
something about having printers' bills to attend to and, with a see-you nod of
his head, followed Mrs Pegg out through the open
door.
"Alone at last!" sighed Webb, as soon as the door had
closed again. "Free to carry on
with my work!" Saying which, he sat
down and, with something approaching pleasure, proceeded to apply his signature
to the pile of letters his secretary had just brought him. How many times circumstances had obliged him
to put signature to paper over the years!
It was a wonder to him that he hadn't availed himself of some kind of
mechanical means of doing it by now; though where such means could be obtained
he had never quite discovered, nor, so far as he knew, had anyone else. Nevertheless he hadn't always found it
inconvenient to sign letters. There were
times, indeed, when it enabled one to relax one's brain or think of other, more
interesting matters. Even times when it
enabled one to satisfy a kind of egotistical gluttony for advertising one's
name far-and-wide, making it more important-looking with each successive batch
of letters. And on the relatively rare
occasions when one happened to be writing to someone who entertained an
inflated opinion of one's professional status, who took one for a famous poet
or essayist or something, it wasn't altogether far removed from signing an
autograph, being a sort of autograph-substitute or equivalent.
He had got to the 'W' of the eighth signature when the external
phone rang. Completing the remaining
letters of his surname with a flourish, he picked up the receiver and, with moderately
suave intonation, advertised his name afresh.
A female voice on the other end of the line responded to it with
reassuring familiarity. "Oh, hello darling!" Webb ejaculated, dropping his
pen. "I'd almost forgotten you were
going to ring me. How did the dental
appointment go, by the way?"
"Just a tiny filling on a lower-left molar, so nothing to
worry about," replied the sensuous voice of Deborah Wilkes. "I got the impression that the dentist
was disappointed he couldn't do anything else."
"Why, is he hard-up or something?" suggested Webb
facetiously.
"Well, you know ..." She sent a burst of meaningful
laughter reverberating along the line.
Then, swiftly returning to her usual self, she casually inquired of him
whether he was still intending to take her out to dinner that evening.
"Naturally," Webb confirmed. "
"Of course, Nicky." This reassuring statement was followed by a
short pause while Deborah pondered something in her mind a moment. "Would you like me to dress in any
specific clothes this evening?" she at length asked, mindful of her
lover's sartorial preferences, which had lately developed into a veritable fetishistic convention between them.
"Er, I think I'll leave that
decision entirely with you for once," replied Webb evasively. "As long as it's something ... you know,
kind of sexy. Anyway, you should know my
tastes pretty well by now."
"Oh I do, I do," his girlfriend admitted. "Who knows them better? All the same, you sometimes change your mind
at the last moment, don't you?"
Nicholas Webb fidgeted uneasily in his chair at the critical
change of tone in Deborah's voice.
"Well, as long as you wear your new black seamless stockings, pink suspenders, and matching ..."
The office door suddenly burst open and in walked young Anthony
Keating with a determined look on his serious face. The half-hour postponement of his meeting
with the editor had run its trying course, and he was now itching to confess
what he had to say as quickly as possible.
He shut the door and headed with ominously purposeful stride towards
Webb's desk.
"Wouldn't you prefer me to wear the pale-blue undies this evening?" protested the female voice on
the other end of the line. "After
all, you saw the pink ones on Sunday, didn't you?"
"Er, suit yourself!"
the editor curtly responded, as the intrusive presence of the junior
correspondent loomed menacingly above him.
"Just do what you think best."
Waves of blood seemed to be rushing to his face and unbalancing his
head.
"You see, the pink undies are in
the wash and they're the only ones I've got in that colour at present,
Nicky," his girlfriend explained.
"But the pale-blues ones ..."
"Yes, alright, alright!"
Webb assured her. "If that's the
way it is!" He was virtually
shouting.
"And they go so well with my dark-blue nylon stockings,
don't they?" she purred.
"Perfectly!" he well-nigh rasped. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some
urgent business to attend to this morning.
Thanks for calling." He
slammed the receiver down and sighed in manifest exasperation. His face was almost as dark as a
beetroot. This wasn't the first time
someone had intruded upon his privacy at an inopportune moment. And, to judge by the way Miss Wilkes kept
pestering him, it probably wouldn't be the last! He frowned sullenly and motioned Keating to
take a seat. It was unlikely that the
young correspondent had overheard more than the outgoing part of the
conversation but, even so, a word or two about advertising costs probably
wouldn't be inappropriate ... just in case.
"Now then," he added, after the advertising industry had been
summarily dismissed as extortionate, "you had something appertaining to
yesterday's assignment on your mind, if I remember correctly."
"Yes, I'm afraid so," admitted Keating who, with as
much articulation as could be mustered, under the difficult circumstances, now
proceeded to produce a slightly revised version of what had actually
happened. The composer, for all his
cheerful spirits, had been suffering from a sore throat which, alas, had
prevented him from giving the interview.
But to compensate the magazine for such inconvenience as this was bound
to cause, he had played some delightful piano music - here Keating tactfully
produced the Schumann tape - and had generously agreed to grant the interview
at a later date. Unfortunately,
circumstances compelled him to go to
"Yes, I get the picture," said a still-frowning Webb,
who emitted another sigh, this time more heartfelt. "Too late for the
September edition!" He shook
his head and mumbled something vaguely obscene under his breath about bloody
composers. "Is his throat likely to
be better by Thursday?" he asked without thinking.
"Assuming we can take his word, it ought to be,"
replied Keating, who naturally felt somewhat uncomfortable.
"If we could postpone the printing for a week, all would
be well," Webb declared.
"Unfortunately, however, the printers have other clients besides us
and work to a pretty tight schedule.
Printing us later would mean printing someone else earlier, later, or
not at all, which would almost certainly be out of the question. So we shall just have to settle for what we
can get and publish the interview in the October edition instead. No doubt, we shall look pretty foolish if our
chief competitors come-up with something substantial to commemorate Howard Tonks' sixtieth birthday in September. He didn't mention anything about other
interviews, by any chance?"
"Not a word," Keating responded with alacrity, telling
the truth for once. "Although if he was on holiday earlier this month, it
would be highly unlikely that anyone else could have got to him before us,
surely?"
"Don't be too sure!" retorted the experienced voice
of the editor. "I've heard of
people who were interviewed as long as six bloody months before their birthday
or the anniversary of a particularly important professional occasion in their
life. Some editors won't take any
chances, you know. They gather their
nuts well in advance and store them up for future use." At which point he broke into a smile for the
first time since Keating had entered the office - the smile of a crafty
squirrel. "But we're not entirely
lacking in that respect, Anthony," he hastened to assure his young
employee. "There's a short essay on
the composer written by your colleague, Neil Wilder, some weeks ago which will
serve as a fill-in, as well as a longish interview with the painter, Miles Coverdale. So, in a
sense, your next visit to Howard Tonks' house isn't
strictly necessary. But since the public
expects an interview from us once a month, and since the composer agreed to
grant us one, you had better go back there and gather what information you can. I take it you're still prepared to do that,
in the absence of Wilder?"
Keating impulsively nodded his head. He was more than prepared; he was positively
itching to go back there and peer out at the garden again!